On another note, I got into the roof of the auditorium of my alma mater the other day. I'd been up there before, but never quite so high.
In a room behind the stage curtains there's this completely vertical ladder, about three metres long, that leads up into a weird little room. Then in the ceiling of that there's a trapdoor, with some wise guy having come and put a rather rickety ladder up to it since I was last there.
Go up the ladder, and you're in proper ceiling territory. You can reach up and brush the underside of tiles with your fingers, and look down onto the stage below through holes in the 'floor'. (I tried to take photos on my phone but they didn't come out too well as you can probably tell. )
After a few sweaty and dusty minutes of exploration, I slowly clambered back down the ladder into the weird little room to find this guy on the wall.
I'd left him there in early 2008 - my first year of uni. Full of trepidation and high expectations, I remember envisioning myself fondly returning to him in years to come, as a decisive, self assured artist whose years at uni had cleared her head of doubts and set her on the path to a cohesive practice.
Instead I met him again with a biting sense of nostalgia for that forum of experimentation that was my undergrad, and regret at not taking more risks with my practice while I had the chance, allowing myself to develop more.
It's almost the end of 2012 - the first year since I was 5 that I've not been engaged with an educational institution of any kind.
It's been weird. I'm floaty. Feeling set adrift more than before.
While I can tick more boxes for being (nominally) 'grown up' now, I still don't know where my art is at. I'm not sure if I've matured at all, in terms of my approach to creating.
I still consider it of vital importance to who I am. But that fact still paralyses me at times.
When I can't make things, I begin to feel like I'm losing my sense of self. But when I have time in which I'm free to do things, I still find myself held back by worry and procrastination.
It feels like the same shit, less time to do it in. Or am I just using my reduced free time as crutch for my indecision?
I got me some bad, bad habits.